This is how to write a letter to someone you hate.

YOU START OUT STRONG. WITH A BOLD LINE, SOMETHING LIKE, “LISTEN BUDDY, YOU’RE ABOUT AS POPULAR AS GEORGE W. BUSH.”*
THAT WILL GRAB HIS OR HER ATTENTION.
THEN YOU STOP.
NOW YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS PERSON AND HOW YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS HIM OR HER GOT TO BE SO PRICKLY.
PEOPLE ARE GENERALLY GOOD.
WHY IS THIS PERSON AN EXCEPTION?
DON’T LET YOURSELF BECOME EMOTIONAL!
BE CONCISE.
MAKE YOUR ARGUMENT QUICKLY AND CLEARLY AND THEN GET OUT!
“AM I A BAD PERSON FOR WRITING SUCH A LETTER?”
THIS IS A COMMON QUESTION, YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO LEARN.
MEN AND WOMEN OFTEN DON’T GET ALONG. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL INHUMAN FOR THESE FEELINGS.
HATE IS A VERY STRONG EMOTION.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SAY “HATE” IN THE LETTER?
IF THE OBJECT OF THE LETTER FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU THEN WRITE THAT YOUR HATRED IS STRONGER. BUT NEVER BE HYPERBOLIC!
STATEMENTS SUCH HAS “MY HATRED FOR YOU COULD BOIL THE OCEANS” ARE EXTREMELY UNPRODUCTIVE.
HATE LETTERS MAY GET YOU INTO LEGAL TROUBLE IF THEY CONTAIN MENTION OF THE OBJECT’S RACE, GENDER, OR RELIGION. DO NOT MENTION ANY OF THESE THINGS.
WRTING THIS LETTER SHOULD BE A CATHARTIC EXPERIENCE. WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED NEVER SEND IT TO THE OBJECT. OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS ARE AS VALUABLE AS YOUR OWN.

*I realize that this reference is a bit dated, I wrote this before the election but just got around to posting it now

President's Day

Today I celebrated President's Day by sitting down with a film about "the exciting adventure of the day we make contact with life beyond Earth [which] comes to the screen with a profound sense of wonder and a dazzling visual sweep that extends to the outer reaches of space and the imagination." That's right, I'm talking about the movie Contact.

After a thrilling two and a half hours I was feeling pretty inspired so I sat down and wrote a song about it:

Download Contact